All these and more
Are somehow limitless
When love is there
And it is true

Disclaimer: Image used is for illustration purposes only. Not in any way originally from the author. Artwork by @3896days.


Rise Up

When you are confused of something, they often say “go for whatever makes you happy”. But what if your happiness doesn’t want anything to do with you at all? Let go.

How long has it been? Days, weeks or months? Just another one of your relationship setbacks you thought? Exculpation maybe? How much more time you needed to wake up? Stop defending your place, who you are or who should you be for that person. Why fight for it afterall, if that person is the one asking you to discontinue and quit? Struggling shouldn’t be on your own, should be both of you. If not, letting go might be the only option. Not because you want to but because that’s what the other person is asking from you. Even if it’s killing you inside. Be the one who has a greater heart. Give until you can’t afford anymore. And when you’re on the edge, stop holding on to something you’ve already lost.

Liberate yourself and don’t wait. Don’t ever wait, don’t depend your decisions to anyone because no one is asking you to do so. Never dwell on your past. Do what you need to. Cry non-stop. Curse. Scream. Hard days won’t be that long. Soon afterwards, pick up the pieces and then move on. Run free. Rise up.

It won’t be easy-peasy. Roads maybe rough and tough. Yet consider that you’ll make it through. A day in your life will come when you are going to blank out, perhaps not everything but most of it. Taking your time, slowly getting there. Later on, finer days are right up ahead of you. Don’t be shaken. Braved out the factors and things will be put into its proper places.

And why is it so much easier to say all these but harder to work out?

Never Want To Go Away

Why does it feels like always the first time whenever I come to Japan? And when i depart why does it seemed like I’m leaving a part of me behind? I was excited surely. Thinking I get to reunite with my relatives and friends again. Though it was only for three months that I was gone, I still feel the need to catch up. Regardless when we actually connect in all of our social media accounts. Nothing beats being with them in person right? And now that I’m home I can’t decide what to eat first amongst all my cravings from all the local dishes that I mostly missed.

Setting the days back in Japan, I made friends with my co-trainees. We do work for the same company but only then that I am able to know them very well. I also found an acquaintance from a trainee in another country. We didn’t talk much but we knew we like each other and we could have been closer given with enough time.

Also I had my very first festival to witness and experience which was the “Hinamatsuri” or the girls’ festival a.k.a. doll festival. It is meant and celebrated for women particulary young girls to wish them luck and good fortune.

As for the training itself, I had the privilege to be a support for “kaihatsu-ka”. A small group that mainly handles software development that we use in steel production. I get to work with a bunch of good and accommodating people. I am able to run tests and try the latest software version before its release. Work has never been thrilling before this.

And then there came the comfort of living. People were very intelligent, disciplined and calm. I don’t see any of them angry, probably because they were too busy and focused at work to be. Thus, the peaceful working environment and life in general. Household chores was made easy too. Machines and appliances for the most part do the job. Way so convenient are their road networks also. It wasn’t difficult to adapt their commute system may it be via train or bus. Not to mention the amazing beautiful spots I had the opportunity to tour in. Oh and the food, maybe real pricy yet worth every penny. Serving for one person is quite big and many just like in a bowl of ramen.

All these and more were plausibly the grounds on me having the separation anxiety everytime I left Nippon. I somewhat missed home at the same time don’t ever want to go away from Japan.

Someday, Somehow

Was she really the one that got away? He hopes not. No matter how multiple times she turned him down, he believes she’s still his.

Just like couple of years ago. They were inseparable. They would spend a day looking at each other in silence yet even basked every second of it. Some days were spent with leisure walks in the park while he put his arm around her waist. Those soft gentle kisses in the morning, those short films they watch, those captivating rainbow they see every after pouring rain and those warm cuddles at night are some of their pastimes amongst many that they gleefully shared. She was his clingy little bear. He thought she was the cutest when she all of a sudden say things like,

“I like how you make me feel safe”

“How can you actually cook better than me?”

He was loved. But fate meddle and powerfully made its way through. She found out his infidelity. Everything they worked and dreamed of together was ruined. Regretful as he may be, there are encounters from the past that he can’t possibly undo.

Had he been honest and good as every bit to her, would it all the same be as it’d been before? He isn’t sure. However he’s been constantly taking his chances on her. Attempting to win her back,

“My feelings for you was always true, I did love you and I always will” he declares.

Though she’d try and change the topic whenever.

“Was I that bad?”, he asked.

“What do you think? You should know it yourself”, she teased.

“Okay I was that bad, sorry for all the hurt”, he acknowledged.

“But you know me. I will not stop until you marry someone else or me”, he persists.

Not be long and he is pushing his luck again,

“Come back to me”, he says.

“Let us just be friends.”, she told him.

“Could we ever move on from being friends?”, he questioned.

She was quiet.

“I am only asking for a chance, you know I can wait for you until you are ready.”, he continued.

Now four long years has gone by since they parted ways. Despite her being so distant, cold and unforgiving, he is optimistic to still pick up from where they left off. Someday, somehow.

Shoutout to a friend (Jomar) and his friend who shared my other story in their fb accounts. I hope to hear your thoughts on this one too. Thank you.

Disclaimer: Image used is for illustration purposes only. Not in any way originally from the author. Artwork by @3896days.

Please Don’t Bother

If you’re going to fib
Attraction towards her
If you can’t narrate
Chronicles without lie
If you’re speaking
Merely to defeat boredom
If you don’t consent
Shortcomings and lack of success
If you’re blind to see
Value despite deficiency
If you believe
You’re always right
If you are too proud
Admitting faults
If taking care of her
Is an encumbrance
If you’d rather complain
Than settle and compromise
If you opt to notice
Jealousy over love
If you can go on still
While she shed tears
If you can’t keep up
And she’s too much
Please don’t bother
You don’t deserve her

Maybe, Goodbye.

They volitionally said farewell to each other. It was unhoped-for and afflictive. Yet it’s the kind of goodbye that made her whole again. Least she desired so. Even so it was peculiar having to conclude this way. As earlier that moment they were actually spilling each other’s admirable personalities humorously. He even set it out with a long list. Stating she is bright, motivated, diligent, cunning, and so on. She smiled at the memory. Her mind wandered relentlessly as she reminisced those times when they were still having their almost all-day talks.

“Good morning. Sleepy bear”, he’d say.

“Good morning” she answered back enthusiastically.

And their chat goes on. Every hour just all seemed late for the both of them. The need to catch up was extremely potent. She would even procrastinate at work on certain occasions. Or by chance he did too. She was happy. Particularly when he remembers little things about her.

“Do you cook?”, she asked.

“Yes. Not very good though. I know you cook already”, he replied.

“How’d you know?”, she asked again.

“You entertained your co-workers the other night”, he recalled.

Or when he’d shown interest on her personal life spontaneously asking out like on what province was she from.

“I will look it up tonight. Learn about your home province”, he stated.

Gag comes right after though as if he didn’t really mean it. Nonetheless they were constantly with each other from dawn to dusk. Tirelessly. Not all days are fine however. Not all conversations ended up okay. This was when one hales the other to remove the mask and cross the line. Yes they eventually have put their cloaks on and drawn their boundaries. They appear to be both broken, she guessed.

Reservations. It has long been there. Even though they admitted to like each other very much. She clung to the idea of “MAYBE” that he himself fed her. Because he once told her, “Sometimes maybe is the right answer”. But he believed she wanted more. More that he has yet to give. Invariant doubts were on her except that her faith on him was never feeble. She then continued despite the uncertainties. He had been reliable too. He was her refuge in the middle of chaos on either work or family. Shortly, for a few days, he was her life. She breathed and lived for him. Those were inexplicable. She couldn’t understand as well. She felt amazing on how he made an impact that big on her just by merely talking. Granted that he was very sensible and fun to talk to.

Until all of a sudden it was all finished. Almost. He barely talk for some time. More than anything else it’s the silence that actually kills her. In her mind, he has probably waken up while she was left still dreaming about their tomorrow. All she could think of was what should be the next move be, the fact that they agreed on having no rules, no labels and no do’s and don’ts? There isn’t cure on this but to wait, she cogitated.

He eventually broke the silence.

“Hello”, he said.

“Yeah?”, she responded trying hard not to be frantic

They spoke like nothing happened. In the beginning it was normal. They’re back to how they were till his revelation.

“I am not looking to get into a relationship” he confessed

Devastated as she was, she said unkind words to him. It is better to minimize hurt and stop right now, he explained.

“I will one day come to you. I’ll leave it to you to decide if you want to meet”, he told her

He might only be saying this to make me feel better or just so he could save some of his guilt, she cerebrated. But it came to all her senses that maybe he was right. Since they were both busted, maybe (just maybe), goodbye was the last good thing they can do for each other.

“Goodbye Rob”, she finally said.

You Are Not Enough

You can never force anyone to do
Something they are uncomfortable with
Yet you cannot lower your standards
You don’t want to settle
Lesser than what you deserve
And all that is left to do
Is see them walk away from you
You wanted to stop them
You could have utter aloud
What they long to hear
That you are sorry
Or that you will make it up to them
That it is okay to break your own rules
That they are worth it
But you doubted yourself
You are not enough
Someone better out there is waiting for them
So then you chose to whisper instead
That only you can hear those words
Hoping for life of a fortune unfolds for them
And now that the odds are gone with them
You are all but alone
Submerged with your own tears
And an overpowering pride

Disclaimer: Image used is for illustration purposes only. Not in any way originally from the author. Artwork by @3896days.