Never Want To Go Away

Why does it feels like always the first time whenever I come to Japan? And when i depart why does it seemed like I’m leaving a part of me behind? I was excited surely. Thinking I get to reunite with my relatives and friends again. Though it was only for three months that I was gone, I still feel the need to catch up. Regardless when we actually connect in all of our social media accounts. Nothing beats being with them in person right? And now that I’m home I can’t decide what to eat first amongst all my cravings from all the local dishes that I mostly missed.

Setting the days back in Japan, I made friends with my co-trainees. We do work for the same company but only then that I am able to know them very well. I also found an acquaintance from a trainee in another country. We didn’t talk much but we knew we like each other and we could have been closer given with enough time.

Also I had my very first festival to witness and experience which was the “Hinamatsuri” or the girls’ festival a.k.a. doll festival. It is meant and celebrated for women particulary young girls to wish them luck and good fortune.

As for the training itself, I had the privilege to be a support for “kaihatsu-ka”. A small group that mainly handles software development that we use in steel production. I get to work with a bunch of good and accommodating people. I am able to run tests and try the latest software version before its release. Work has never been thrilling before this.

And then there came the comfort of living. People were very intelligent, disciplined and calm. I don’t see any of them angry, probably because they were too busy and focused at work to be. Thus, the peaceful working environment and life in general. Household chores was made easy too. Machines and appliances for the most part do the job. Way so convenient are their road networks also. It wasn’t difficult to adapt their commute system may it be via train or bus. Not to mention the amazing beautiful spots I had the opportunity to tour in. Oh and the food, maybe real pricy yet worth every penny. Serving for one person is quite big and many just like in a bowl of ramen.

All these and more were plausibly the grounds on me having the separation anxiety everytime I left Nippon. I somewhat missed home at the same time don’t ever want to go away from Japan.

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Maybe, Goodbye.

They volitionally said farewell to each other. It was unhoped-for and afflictive. Yet it’s the kind of goodbye that made her whole again. Least she desired so. Even so it was peculiar having to conclude this way. As earlier that moment they were actually spilling each other’s admirable personalities humorously. He even set it out with a long list. Stating she is bright, motivated, diligent, cunning, and so on. She smiled at the memory. Her mind wandered relentlessly as she reminisced those times when they were still having their almost all-day talks.

“Good morning. Sleepy bear”, he’d say.

“Good morning” she answered back enthusiastically.

And their chat goes on. Every hour just all seemed late for the both of them. The need to catch up was extremely potent. She would even procrastinate at work on certain occasions. Or by chance he did too. She was happy. Particularly when he remembers little things about her.

“Do you cook?”, she asked.

“Yes. Not very good though. I know you cook already”, he replied.

“How’d you know?”, she asked again.

“You entertained your co-workers the other night”, he recalled.

Or when he’d shown interest on her personal life spontaneously asking out like on what province was she from.

“I will look it up tonight. Learn about your home province”, he stated.

Gag comes right after though as if he didn’t really mean it. Nonetheless they were constantly with each other from dawn to dusk. Tirelessly. Not all days are fine however. Not all conversations ended up okay. This was when one hales the other to remove the mask and cross the line. Yes they eventually have put their cloaks on and drawn their boundaries. They appear to be both broken, she guessed.

Reservations. It has long been there. Even though they admitted to like each other very much. She clung to the idea of “MAYBE” that he himself fed her. Because he once told her, “Sometimes maybe is the right answer”. But he believed she wanted more. More that he has yet to give. Invariant doubts were on her except that her faith on him was never feeble. She then continued despite the uncertainties. He had been reliable too. He was her refuge in the middle of chaos on either work or family. Shortly, for a few days, he was her life. She breathed and lived for him. Those were inexplicable. She couldn’t understand as well. She felt amazing on how he made an impact that big on her just by merely talking. Granted that he was very sensible and fun to talk to.

Until all of a sudden it was all finished. Almost. He barely talk for some time. More than anything else it’s the silence that actually kills her. In her mind, he has probably waken up while she was left still dreaming about their tomorrow. All she could think of was what should be the next move be, the fact that they agreed on having no rules, no labels and no do’s and don’ts? There isn’t cure on this but to wait, she cogitated.

He eventually broke the silence.

“Hello”, he said.

“Yeah?”, she responded trying hard not to be frantic

They spoke like nothing happened. In the beginning it was normal. They’re back to how they were till his revelation.

“I am not looking to get into a relationship” he confessed

Devastated as she was, she said unkind words to him. It is better to minimize hurt and stop right now, he explained.

“I will one day come to you. I’ll leave it to you to decide if you want to meet”, he told her

He might only be saying this to make me feel better or just so he could save some of his guilt, she cerebrated. But it came to all her senses that maybe he was right. Since they were both busted, maybe (just maybe), goodbye was the last good thing they can do for each other.

“Goodbye Rob”, she finally said.